What we do know is that when it comes to sex, men and women lie
ESTHER PEREL: Of losing everything. They used to be the possession of men. Look, infidelity has been practically a license for https://datingranking.net/senior-dating-sites/ men throughout history all over the world.
When you talk about previous relationships, you ask
ESTHER PEREL: They have privilege, that’s it. Male privilege allowed them to do this almost with impunity. Then we had all kinds of theories that came to explain why men are natural roamers and they are the conquistadors and they’re not made for monogamy whereas women are made for monogamy. The theory suited the status quo of the power structure. But is that really the case? We don’t know if it really goes up, because it depends on the definition. Men lie by boasting, by exaggerating, by inflating because the social pressure for men has always been to pump themselves up as it comes to sex. And women lie by denying, by minimizing, and by underrepresenting because the pressure for women has always been to protect themselves and they need it to therefore…
ESTHER PEREL: Minimize it. So we don’t have numbers, and the numbers go from 30 to 70%, depending on the definition.
ESTHER PEREL: No, no. 30% of the gap between men and women today is 3, 4% it’s not much in this country.
ESTHER PEREL: In this country, yes. Maybe 6, 7% difference. It’s really minor, but the dangerous thing is depending on how you define it, you going from 30 to 70%. 90% of people would say that it’s terribly wrong to lie about cheating, and the same amount of people say that that’s exactly what they would do if they were on the other side. People are rather inconsistent about that stuff. What we know is it hurts like crazy. And we need to make better sense of why does this happen, why do people do it, what does it mean, etc.
It’s a violation of trust, it’s a betrayal, and people need tools how to recover, how to heal, how to love again, and how to trust again
LEWIS HOWES: If you’re advising someone that just got into a relationship in the last month or a recent relationship that they just got into and they’re watching or listening, would you advise them to have certain conversations early on once they realize they’re going to be committed to each other or give it a shot and be monogamous with each other? Would you tell them to start talking about these things, even when it’s the puppy love or it’s the romance time. Is that the time to talk about it?
ESTHER PEREL: That’s a fantastic question. Because in the beginning, you don’t want to talk about it because you don’t want to jinx it. And then you don’t want to talk about it because you didn’t talk about it before. And then you’re looking for the right moment to talk about it, and then when you bring it up later, the person says, “have you been thinking about this the whole time, have you done anything? So now I’m already suspicious. Why are you-“ Look, I think the simplest thing for the difficult conversations is to have them be integrated as part of the whole thing. Have you been heartbroken? Have you ever left somebody in a shitty way? Have you ever lied to someone? Have you ever cheated on someone? Have you been cheated on? Have you ever made up with someone who cheated on you? Do you have trust issues in general? Because of your mother, because of your father, not even because of your own experiences.